,,acit and the thoughts.

yesterday, i was listening to this old jazz cd… not old actually, only, this was one of those CD’s yang ngga terlalu popular even di toko kaset.

it was one of those “cd-yg-dibeli-hasil-idealisme-aliran-musik-plus-impulsivitas-at-first-hear” kind of cd. from the CD, i was listening to a certain Indonesian jazzy song called “melayang”. which happened to be my fave.

but then somehow, kluar dari kebiasaan gw, tau2 gw pengen aja denger radio.. padahal lagu “melayang” itu blm slese gw dengerin. bner2 gak gue banget, untuk tinggalin lagu when it’s not finished! (fyi - gw jg tipe org yg ga bkl mulai baca novel baru, kl novel yg skrg blm selese dibaca. kill me, but thats a fact.)

so, hmmm… nikmatin lagu ini ampe abis dulu, apa denger radio ya? kali aja di radio ada lagu lain yg lebih enak… kalo ga ada yg enak, ntar balik lagi deh dengerin cd… hehe… dasar manusia, hal kecil gini aja being opportunist ya… mana udah mayan eneg jg nih denger ni cd jazz (berhub blm beli2 lagi cd jazz baru, hehe)…

well ga penting sih emang dilemanya. but since i’m a big jazz lover and i do enjoy relaxing to music each nite before sleep… jadi boleh dong dilema oportunis dikit,,,

usually, if faced with such situation, i’d rather tune in to that same old cd, and listen to sleep. over and over again…. at least for the past 1 yr sih slalu bgitu.

BUT. this time i decided to take a risk, step outta the comfort zone, get outta the usual habit.

so, i tuned into this very, very random radio station. bukan channel yg tiap hari langganan gw dengerin. bukan radio jazz pula. pokonya, i didnt know why i picked that station! completely just a random first-pick.

then guess, what song came right next on the radio…

“melayang” was played - exactly the same version i was listening to on the CD. exactly from the same singer. at exactly the right time. without even me expecting.

i know, i know most of you may think im crazy enough, or… maybe too SATC-inspired… too carrie-bradshaw-wannabe, for over-thinking and over-analysing..

but seriously, out of all other stations? out of all other songs? out of all music genres? knapa bisa pas lagu itu??

this particular “melayang” song is an OLD one… not on the top-forty chart… not even a favorite, since jazznya termasuk rada kental…. and it was NOT played on a jazz station.

what do you call it? a coincidence? berapa gede sih, chance utk lagu yg paling gw pgn dnger, utk paaaas banget dipasang di saat yg gw pengen?

normally im not a mellodramatic person. (at least, i wanna believe im not) but with this small experience…. i’d rather call it a serendipity.

it taught me, how sometimes you just need to take a risk…..

it taught me, that sometimes you should just follow your instinct and not to be afraid to try something different from what you’ve been doing…

cos in the end, when we let things “JUST flow”.. (for a control-freak like me, this is hell difficult).. we don’t know, God may have a different way to work things out…

God finally leads us there, to a result we expected in the first place, but in another way. a different way. a way we never thought of before. His way, not ours.

as for my case, setelah mencoba kluar dari comfort zone gue, tnyata kalo emang jodoh mah, gw tetep aja bisa dengerin lagu yg gw pgn… i ended up enjoyed the “melayang” song still. only through a different way.

i concluded… maybe God DOES have a plan for each and everyone of us.

like this eve, i was on the phone with a bestie, who’s getting married soon.. she’s my first closest, closest friend who got married… and only god knows how much im happy for her…

ditengah2 kehebohan kita (dia, keluarganya, dan sahabat2nya termasuk gw) menyiapkan the big wedding, pas gw cape2 pulang kantor, sambil mencuci piring2 dan gelas di dapur (yes i am maidless here…), she called me up for like an hour. I put her on speakerphone, lalu kurang lebih beginilah convo between me and her….

me: “so? hows everything, sweets? you’re feeling okay, rite?”

her: “yeah.”

me: “luluran gimana? udah kan?”

her: “mmm there’s one final session to go. kmaren siy dah 2x.”

me: “ok… trus wax?”

her: “check.”

me: “ratus?”

her: “udah… hahaha”

me: “trus apa lagi?”

her: “mmm tinggal facial nih, tapi sebel males ah, sakit…”

me: “loh jangan males dong.. gw aja susah payah ni diet menggila demi kebaya lo yang membunuh itu! masa lo facial aja males..”

her: (laughs) “haha jangan gitu2 amat dong.. dont diet too much cit, i dont want you to faint on MY wedding.. seriously”

me: (laughs) “hehe i wont.. dont worry.”

her: “bener yaaa.. ok deh…”

i was about to hang up. but then, i decided to ask her one thing.

one important thing.

me: “mmm hun?”

her: “yep?”

me: “i know kita semua lagi heboh with the wedding prep.. scara udah tinggal 6 hari lagi…. but can i just ask a question?

i know you two fight a lot, especially lately, while things regarding the wedding prep are getting intense… but honey, at this moment, are you still happy with him?

i mean, after two yrs of being together… do you still feel that chemistry, everytime you were apart from him?

do you still recognize that tingling butterflies in your stomach, everytime he apologized to you after each fight?

i know he made troubles at times, but..right now, 6 days before your wedding…. how do you feel when he’s not around?”

There was a silence for a while. Until she answered,

“yeah. he sucks at times. but i gotta admit. i hate the loss everytime he’s away.”

and just then, i feel thankful.

jalan mungkin penuh rintangan for her and him. but eventually, kalo emang jodoh… i believe chemistry never fades.

well now, i believe God has a plan for everyone.

so maybe He got one for me too. so maybe i should STOP worrying about things beyond my power. STOP controlling every single thing in my life. cos looks like, there are certain things that I cannot control….

and maybe those things are better left unpredicted, un-analyzed….

cos, just like the jazz song incident, maybe God already have the answers for me. His way for me.

Ps: dedicated to this certain person who calls me “the over-analyzer”….you know who you are!

bwt gw, puasa th ini lebih berat dari taun2 kmaren.

ok lets see… taun kmaren2:

2004:

gw di brisbane, pertamakalinya puasa DAN berlebaran jauh dari keluarga. harus kuliah dengan dosen2 yang tidak mengenal istilah ramadhan, jadi tugas banyak mah tetep banyak aja, ga ada bedanya… plus gw tetep kerja jadi tukang kebab 2x sminggu pas puasa, dan memasak kebab yg baunya super duper enak.. mungkin sbenernya berat banget,,, tapi kok lancar2 aja tuh alhamdulilah. dan gak punya pacar yg tinggal sekota dg gw. makin individualis aja deh idup. tanpa beban pikiran.

2005:

masih di brisbane, kurang lebih dengan dilemma yg sama, tapi udah mulai enjoy,,, bareng nana ayu farah adsa dan anak2 laennya kita adain buka puasa dimana2.. mulai dari himawari… dirumah,, ditaman BBQ an… kita masak sndiri lho.. apalagi nana, dia bikin kolak pisang perdana nya… (walopun tetep gw tolak, scara gw ga suka pisang or anything to do with it. maaf ya nanaku.) and again, pacar gw pada waktu itu, tinggal di ujung benua laen. jadi again, gak ada masalah apa2.. udah biasa jalanin smua sndirian,, berasa jomblo. apa yg ga bisa gw hadepin? nothing.

2006:

udah balik jkt,, seperti biasa acit si cewe mandiri; had a hard time adjusting tinggal bersama keluarga lagi. tapi those times werent so bad. maret 2006 alhamdulilah dapet kerja di tempat bagus, dg posisi bagus, dg culture yg sangat demokratis.. pas puasa, i was very lucky to have a boss yg mempersilakan gw pulang anytime gw merasa sakit perut… (untungnya ga pernah sakit perut sih :p)

tiap hari pulg jm 5.. kdg2 pulang kntor bahkan smpet buka puasa bareng tmen2 SMA… dan pulang kntor, TIAP MALEM gw tetep sempetin fitness abis buka puasa.. huaks canggihhh..! indahnya hidup.. pacar? masih di ujung dunia sana.. (eh mantan maksudnya). jadi, gak pernah ada kesusahan. you know. no overpressure. everything was 100% under my control. life went perfectly ok.

2007:

ramadhan ini..

diawali dg gempa di bengkulu, yg berlanjut gempa di jambi, dan di jakarta td mlm… membuat gw harus lari2 turun tangga sebanyak 18 lantai di kantor dg panik bersama orang2,, scara pada saat itu gw dan temen gw lagi ngerjain data di kantor… (hasilnya lari2 dengan high heels, betis gw pun hr ini bengkak2 dengan sukses….)

blom lagi gw masih adaptasi kerja di consulting, yg baru gw jalanin slama sbulan ini….kerjaan yg nuntut gw lebih mobile, mengunjungi klien dari ujung ke ujung jkt, bakal sampe ke bandung dan aceh malah… krjaan yg lebih banyak mikir, lebih banyak blajar, banyak bikin proposal, bikin analisa ini itu, lebih banyak baca, dan lebih teliti dalam hal apapun…(rasanya kyk S2 yang dibayar, seriously)… well intinya, tipe2 kerjaan yg butuh konsentrasi,,, kerjaan yg kalo mo optimal sih, butuh subsidi makanan banget,, huhu.. in this case, puasa is (honestly!) not an attractive option.

have i mentioned kerja di consulting membuat lo harus pulang jam 7-9pm each night? tidur gak pernah cukup.. sampe rumah, juga belom tentu keadaan damai sentosa..

pluss. gw berpacar baru,,, dengan segala melodramanya… walopun udah barengan slama 6 bulan, yg namanya konflik mah tetep aja ada… mendekati ramadhan, malah tambah ribet.. ketenangan gw, idup sbg jomblo-tanggung di taun2 yg lalu, yg ga ada beban pikiran, cuek bebek, bebas melakukan apa aja yg gw inginkan, ga perlu mikirin orang, dan ga perlu merasa insecure, ilanggg ludesss abiss bis…turned out i love him more than i predicted.

seorang acit yang sangat kuat berdiri sendiri itu, tb2 harus beradaptasi kembali dengan dunia baru,, dg identitas baru sebagai pacarnya orang.. nggak lagi jomblo-tanggung.. pacar yg short-distance, dan siap memonitor gw kapan saja, yg punya personality baru yg gw kadang blm terbiasa, pacar dari profesi yg berbeda pula.. hhh so many adjustments.

dimasa lalu gw mungkinnn i had some dark areas, just like everybody else.. tapi walopun dimasa lalu gw banyak kecacatan, soal cowo, gw biasanya serius.. gw bs bertahan bertaun2 dg cowo yg sama.. gw bukan tipe yg gampang deket ama cowo, gampang attached, percaya, apalagi naksir balik cowo dengan cepet… yah mungkin dulu ada saatnya masa2 muda gw ga bersih2 amat,, suka tantangan, dan kadang2 melakukan kebodohan. tapi yg gw tau, gw ga MURAH..

gw takut ngasih hati gw 100%, apalagi co ini pendatang baru.. walopun i know, he’s worthwhile to keep.. he loves me no matter what.. tetep aja susah, percaya sama cowo segampang gw percaya diri gw sndiri. akhirnya, i only end up being such a selfish person. 

intinya di ramadhan 2007…. banyak banget yg harus gw plajari.

rasanya susahh banget, memulai bln suci ini dg hati bersih, tanpa dendam, tanpa kesel, tanpa jealous, tanpa ngeluh, tanpa kepancing untuk marah.

kadang gw mikir, banyak bener ya cobaan. mungkin gw lagi diingetin tuhan kali ya..

ya Allah… maafkan aku dan dosa2ku yg menumpuk,, mungkin ini smua cuma mengingatkan aku bahwa aku cuma makhlukmu yang lemah dan jauh dari sempurna.. tolong kuatkan aku menjalani bulan ini dengan hati ikhlas.. bantulah aku ngga usah mikirin hal2 yg ngga perlu dipikirin.. dengan tetap semangat bekerja full stamina.. dengan berorientasi ke masa depan bukan ke masa lalu.. dan dengan keyakinan bahwa Kau tetap mencintai aku seberapapun buruknya aku sebagai manusia…

Bagi yg menjalankan puasa, Minal aidin wal faidzin, mohon maaf lahir dan batin semuanya…Kalo acit ada salah, mohon dimaafkan yaa..

Doain yaa.. supaya bulan ini jadi bulan terakhir acit bergelut dengan masalah2 yg tdk penting, biar kedepannya bisa lebih dewasa menghadapi ketakutan-ketakutannya. for being a strong woman all the time is tiring sometimes.

gw doain Insyaallah puasa kalian semua diterima juga oleh Allah SWT. amin.

achitow

,,another week to go now.

mixed up hey? a part of me wants to face all the new challenge with a confident, shiny smile.

and to remember the saying "always love your job. but never love your company. cos you’ll never know when you might need to leave it."

so for the past few weeks i try to stick to that…

still greet my office ppl. act as if nothing special happened. work professionally. (try to) get deadlines done on time. followup urgent stuff. followup not-so-urgent stuff (NOTE: followup here means = get on your nerve on something thats not done on time by the other party). correspondence with hospitals, EO, medical sales team, my bosses. you know, my daily life here.

then when i get tired, i walked to the pantry. i remember my first day being introduced to that coffee machine. (i was astonished, haha, finding out that i’m allowed to get free moccacinos everyday.)

then i coincidentally needed to pass by my ex-cubicle. i smiled, remembering how many hectic situations i’ve spent there at that desk: scheduling interviews, analysing psychology reports, compiling employee data, preparing powerpoint slides for HR orientations. and a hundred other stuff.

then i tried to get back on track. focus, girl, focus!

so. i tried to work again for the rest of the day.

but then dendi’s phone rang.. that funny clubbing-ish ringtone.

after that, mas ali’s ringtone, "jauh dilubuk hatikuuuuu…" hahaha… no offence, mas, but hearing it every single morning makes me really sick of Naff band :p

then when i try to get my concentration back to that bloody excel table (yes yes.. containing the summary of all the Public Seminar events we’ll be handling for the next 2 months), a message popped up. from prima, of course.

"Sorry interupsiiii.. ada tukang peyek di depan. hehe thanx!"

see? i even remember her way of writing.

ok cit, i tell myself. once again you got so emotional, you need someone else to kick off your butt or something!  so. then i started to list down my handover plans. just at the same time my boss was playing andra & the backbone’s song. his fave song for the past 4 months? haha, i tell you, just another song that’s gonna stick on my head for a year ahead!

i remember all the ups and downs… entertaining the classy Prof X as our main customer, with mba ira (geez.. never thought it could be so DRAINING), doing outbound trainings with mba ria, having heart-to-heart talk (career-to-career?) with mba rosa. and surely all the sharing with pak jopie, the most fun manager ever.

then i saw some colleagues, those  who i’ve recruited. they look happily working now (well at least from the outside). they look much more casual,, more relaxed, less of a stranger. no longer a plain-minded freshgraduate they remind me of the old days, of how i struggled searching the best talents for their position. and now, i got them.

you have no idea how happy i am to see them happy with their jobs. as an ex recruiter, their proven good performance is also my pride.

well basically. just interacting with everybody around here, both on work and or non-work related matters, turned out to be…. a giant box full of good memories. you know, the kind of good memories that just can kill you, if you dwell too much in it.

i’m gonna miss Mead Johnson a hell lot.

but what can i say? life goes on.

goodluck to all of you, MJ-ers & BMS-ers whom are reading this, I wish you all the success always.

always an MJ person at heart,

astrid intani

jam 6.05 di kntor skrg,, kerjaan gw baru aja slese dan harusnya gw caw,, tapi ga tau knapa gw lebih pengen sharing di blog gw. skalian nunggu magrib jg sih.

ga krasa udah setaun gw kerja disini, yay..

cant believe how much things have changed in a year..ive changed my hair color, changed my reporting line, changed some of my job desc, and geez, i even changed boyfriend.

so, dengan ditemani segelas susu milo hangat yang ‘dicuri’ dari lantai 10, gw lagi pengen reflecting aja,, sebenernya sih, lebih tepatnya, pengen enjoying my times terkaget2 sendiri dengan perubahan apa aja yang ternyata berhasil gw kerjakan..

ive managed not to cry at times i most, most need to. karna pengalaman kerja setahun di perusahaan gede bikin gw sadar bahwa tanggungjawab gw gede dan gw dibayar bukan untuk nangis dan look back,, tapi untuk liat kedepan dan belajar bigheartedly, to accept that making mistakes are normal.. no matter how disappointed i am with things (yg ga slalu berjalan spt yg gw mau..), with my boss (yg tdk slalu berada di mood yg sama dg gw), and most of all with myself (yang seringgg banget merasa goblok, gak bs tolerir kesalahan sekecil apapun..)

ive managed loneliness, exhaust, deadlines, dan melihat tugas baru bukan sbg sesuatu yg bikin panik tapi sbg kesempatan buat ngetes kemampuan gw,, bos gw baru crita bahwa setaun yg lalu, my very very 1st time interviewing admins, i was very nervous and i gave this very unbelieveably silly, tense look to her, pas gw blg bahwa gw harus latian interview dengan bapak gw, untuk MENG-interview orang.. haha,, come to think of it, it was plain bodoh skali.. mengingat skrg gw interview orang like what, i can do 5, 6 interviews a day, both langsung ato lewat telfon, ga pake latian2 lagi.. gaya, hehe..

interview beberapa admin dan freshgraduate dalam sehari? desain paket remunerasi buat asisten manager level? nge lead training outbound dengan segala games nya yg harus original, bermakna, tdk membahayakan, dan tdk costly at the same time, padahal yg ditraining bos2 smua? i can do that…

presentasiin sejarah perusahaan gw depan 10 employee baru? nyanyi depan orang sekantor? (haha) gak marah, dan instead, bite my tongue dan tarik nafas, pada saat pengen ngamuk bangettt karena disalahin padahal orang laen yg salah? tarik nafas ketika seluruh dunia sadar lo bikin kesalahan dan mereka membombardir lo as if lo ga boleh bikin kesalahan, smile it off, and convince them that "hey, astrid juga manusia…", pada saat hati gw sebetulnya panas dan pengen nangis rasanya, cos i wanted my tasks to be done perfectly, actually?? hey, i can do that..

broadened skills, social sensitivity, willingness to do more, enthusiasm to learn, ketahanan buat keep confidential data confidential, juggling like 5 recruitment projects at once, keeping myself sane by having dates and recreations and coffee catchups on weekends… while ngumpulin konsentrasi penuh buat senen-nya, being responsible for angka2 gaji pegawai yang bervariasi dan gak boleh salah sedikitpun dan pada saat yg sama harus bisa handling employee’s complaints kalo SAMPE ada yg salah… setelah gw pikir2, gila, itu semua susah jg ya,,

waktu gw lulus kuliah dan diinterview sama bos gw disini, gw ga nyangka gw bisa ngelakuinnya. cos,, well i knew i did my skripsi good, and i thought itu hal yg paling bs gw banggain. eh setaun bekerja di dunia nyata, ternyata IPK gw yg tiga koma something itu rasanya gak ada apa2nya… in the end, its the learning process in real life that counts.

smua itu pada akhirnya bersumber dari 1 hal: the courage to step out of your comfort zone.

which i think… i just successfully did. well, at least at several aspects of the job, if not all.

dan seiring dengan proses pembelajaran yg melelahkan (body and soul melelahkan, mind you), blom lagi dengan love life yang tidak banyak kemajuan along 2006, ternyata eventually Tuhan memberi surprise kecil buat gw.. that little surprise is him and this fragile little relationship we’re starting up.. and only God knows how much i feel blessed,, this time im starting it differently, cos i know i also found a different man.. not only we connect in melody, but looks like he’s the one who, basically, finishes my sentences..

yah gw ga tau sih,, sampe brapa lama hub ini akan bertahan,, just like my employment here in this office, gw harus siap keilangan dia kapan aja,, tapi yg gw tau, gw akan jalanin smuanya sbg proses pembelajaran,, and if in the old relationship i might have done bad things, this time i’ll try to improve,, because i care about this relationship, so much,, i want it to work,, and i have a strong feeling that i aint making the wrong decision..

mungkin, generally, dia bukan the type of guy i usually asked for. but looks like, he’s the kind of guy i NEED.

this life is just as hard and painful as they really say, but with one big blessing coming your way,, and some smaller miracles happening every now and then,, in the end, you’ll know why you should enjoy it

a bestfriend once told me, Life’s good cit.

and now, i think she was right.

acit

last weekend, i went to my grandma’s 68th bday. before that i went to this florist dan gw baru sadar, udah lama banget ya gw gak liat bunga2. lately what ive been doing is mainly working, fulfilling deadlines, making phone calls, booking meeting rooms, arranging interviews, all with humans.. dan yg gw liat sehari2 tidak jauh2 dari kemacetan, klakson mobil yang annoying, gedung tinggi, polusi, dan social gap setiap kali gw jalan kaki makan di belakang kantor..

did you know that behind all those classy buildings in sudirman, there’s a small unknown village of people less lucky than us? dengan rumah kotor, pengemis di depan warteg, tukang ngamen, belom lagi jalanan mobil yang sangat sempit bikin mobil2 selalu menggerutu ketika harus papasan ama mobil laen? blom lagi kalo ada anak kampung yang tiba2 tantrum dan berguling2 di tengah jalan… hanya karena gak dikasih uang jajan 1000 rupiah ama ibunya. i saw it all with my own eyes, all these sad facts, taking place just behind my own glamorous office.

waktu di florist, my mom asked me to pick the best flower for my granny. ada mawar pink, merah, sedap malam, dan laennya… and you know what? i couldnt decide.

i found out that all flowers are beautiful, with their own uniqueness. gw bner2 seneng liat bunga2 itu, theyre giving relaxation to my eyes.. sejenak, gw akhirnya bisa get my mind off all those work-related stress: kandidat2, employee, kontrak, resignations, PA forms, announcements, rejection letters, offer letters, fax dokumen2 sbelom jam 5 karna setelah itu kantor2 tutup,,

the lovely scent of the flowers suddenly distracts my mind from all the jakarta-related stress: kemacetan, social gap,insecurity: megangin tas kayak orang parno di busway, ketakutan ATM gw ketinggalan and gone within 5 minutes, liat kanan kiri pas harus nyebrang jalan supaya gak ketabrak motor,, and instead, take a deep breath and focus on one beauty nature has given us: flowers.

how come we plain forgot about the flowers, animals, and other beautiful things God has given us? maybe sometimes, we need to stop, breathe, and let the rest of the world leave us behind.

maybe we need to spend some millisecond to think to ourselves… that there must be something meaningful we have passed by each day, but we never realise about… something beautiful to soothe our mind. something that reminds us that God exists.. something naturally colorful like those flowers. karena Tuhan pasti udah memprediksi, bahwa semakin modern jaman, semakin manusia ciptaan-Nya akan menjadi terlalu fokus sama hal2 duniawi. hmm. you think so?

…or maybe it’s just me being exhausted?

yesterday, i had this conversation with a friend, who’s more like an idealist person. really contrary with me cos im more of the opportunist person. especially when it comes to job-offers.

i, am the kind of person who’s not gonna let go a job, when i know most people in jakarta would love to have that job… especially if it’s with good salary, good location, good working climate, and surely reputable company. who doesnt want it all?

but my friend was a type of a person who, if he perceives that he aint capable enough for the job, he wouldnt take it. no matter how high the position or how prestigious the location. so this is where we differed. (and almost argued. hehehe) well, as much as i dont understand that particular side of him, i also dont get why most of my decisions are others-based. okay let me explain that further (before you ask).

as a person who, as a matter of fact, is currently doing a thesis on cross-cultural psychology, i sadly belong to those people categorized as having "interdependent self-construal". which is what? which is, the idea that you generally make your decisions based on what the majority of people would say, would do, would prefer. you believe in what’s called societal standards. so, in other words, your "self" is interdependent instead of independent (in this case, only in decision-making). you dont just "follow your heart" and let things flow accordingly, cos there’s social conformity. based on my textbooks, this interdependent self-construal is possessed mostly by Asians, or anyone holding strong Eastern culture.

having an interdependent self construal doesnt mean that you consistently follow what people want you to do. BUT it means you often take into consideration other’s opinions on what you SHOULD do. in other words, it’s more like letting other people (especially your significant ones) influence you.

so, back to the job-offers, i am (and i think will always be) a person who’ll never walk away from golden opportunities. dont get me wrong, i wont be cheating for that opportunity, i’d go high with my own legs, of course. but if my heart says "you should take the job, doesnt matter why, the most important thing is you KNOW you’ll regret it later if you dont! because so many OTHER PEOPLE would love to have this job. and THEY will think youre plain stupid if you dont take it!"

…well i’ll take the job, then.

after the discussions of our contrary opinions had cooled down, i went to bed.

suddenly i remember one of my last trips to Bandung. in the middle of traffic, it was raining. i was in the car with my family, feeling so bored since not much you can do when it rains. heaps of cars were around me. then, there was a beggar. well if youre an Indonesian citizen, as you know in Bandung, or Jakarta (or any areas in Indonesia?), beggars are not unusual.

but why this one caught my attention, was because he was trying to entertain us by playing a recorder, not with his mouth as people normally do, but with his nose! seriously. i was kinda amazed.

i couldnt really listen to the song as my driver didnt wanna open the window because of the rain, but i could see his facial expression. trying to blow some wind out from his nose, to make a sound out of the recorder.

he didnt stand there for long, since he knew, as probably the 100th car that day which didnt really care about his presence and his effort to make money, our car wasnt giving any hope either.

but i knew, the memory of him was stuck in my head.

can you imagine how it feels, having to blow wind out of your nose (a heavy wind i suppose), just to get a recorder playing? while, you actually CAN play it with your mouth… but it just won’t, in a thousand years, get people’s attention since it’s just too ordinary? and that ordinary entertainment won’t give him money, to give to his wife and kids at home?

i felt terrible.

under heavy rain, where i could safely sit on the comfortable passenger seat in the car. with aircon. (or not. up to me. it was only a button-press away, anyway.) just to find someone out my window, who’s willing to play a recorder with his nose… which i assume must be very uncomfortable and very potentially unhealthy. someone who doesnt even care that he might get influenza by standing out there in such a cold weather. with a recorder sticking out from his nose.

in the end just for some money. some money which, even if he collects daily by doing that "job" for a whole month, would not even exceed my one-week salary.

i couldnt forget the expression of the man. i remember his ignorance when he realised our car wasnt "interested" in giving him money. looked like he doesnt care either, he doesnt even try harder to beg, or try to blow the recorder louder, or anything… he’s so used to it. to rejections. that he doesnt find it heartbreaking anymore.

then, back to last night. before putting myself to sleep, i felt ashamed of myself.

regardless of whether i am an opportunist, or idealist, or anything else in between, when it comes to taking jobs… i’m really, really grateful that i DO have a job.

with a monthly salary paid to me, consistently. with a nice, comfortable office to drive myself each day to, with smiley people greeting me in the morning. with a computer, with a telephone that i can use anytime i want. to call anyone i want. with (free) warm coffee available across my cubicle, to get myself awaken. at least i dont have to suffer under the rain, blowing a recorder with my nose…

God, please bless that man.

i guess he might have been another angel You sent me…

just to remind me, this never-satisfied-creature-of-yours, how lucky i am.

Hari ini jumat kejepit, huhuw,, Mengapa oh mengapa kantorku tidak libur? :’(

one of my high skool girls this morning, texted me inviting me for lunch but damnnnn I was working and there was basically no way to get outta there. Tapi yasudahlah pengorbanan,, meet up this week dong brerotz! Kangen tauuu.

trs kangen jg ama mamah kuw, yg pulang dari umroh hari ini, so glad to hear your voice again and have you back in jkt safely.

My work’s today had been not so bad. Had coaching from my boss on how to be an effective outbound trainer, basic2nya dulu sih,, mudah2an suatu hari gw jadi Astrid Intani the world best selling outbound trainer, aminn.. haha,, Then wat else,, finished the interview summary, sorted out some CV’s, filed some documents buat senen, ternyata ngga bisa urus kontrak pegawai today cos GSS tutup,, and so many ppl ambil cuti hari ini, huhh bikin sirik aja. apalagi yg ke bali huhhh

This morning ada kejadian lucu deh. Gw ke kantor dan seperti biasa memasang kontak lens di kamar mandi lobby, trus gw melihatlah seorang cewe pake baju pink ngejreng abis, dress gitu yg panjang menjuntai udah kaya putri raja,, udh gitu lipstiknya merahhhh merona, kalah deh gw pokonya,, dan rambutnya itu… bener2 sepinggang lebih dikit! Whoa bisa jadi rapunzel deh kalo mau dibikin film indonesianya..

Gw takjub abis,, since lately you know, you just don’t find ppl with waist-length hair a lot, tapi gw sok2 cool aja dong masa gw terlihat terpesona,, Akhirnya gw pasang aja kontak lens gw disebelah dia di depan wastafel dengan sambil senyum2 dikit,, just to find her staring (I mean it, STARING as in, looking straight into my face around 5 seconds??) at me, dengan takjubnya. Sampe gw ga enak sendiri and I couldn’t help asking “knapa mba?”

dia blg “ih… emang ngga sakit mba?”

I was like, almost laughing, but demi manners ya,, sudah,, gw blg aja “ngga kok..”

trus dia yg masih tertakjub2 dan tetep ngeliatin gw,, trus dia nanya “nanti ngelepasnya gimana?”

I was like, “yaa.. dicabut aja.”

Trus dia manggut2 gitu. yaudah trus akhirnya dia cuek sndiri dan mulai mengurusi rambutnya yang membuat gw ngintip2 itu.

akhirnya gw ga tahan trus gw tanya "mba.. ga repot ya rambutnya sepanjang itu?"

trus yang lebih mengagetkan, dia blg "ah.. ini sih blom panjang."

holy god. am i the only human being found alive with shoulder length hair? or did she just fall off from the fairytale island, or what?

pokonya itu adalah awal yang sangat aneh buat sebuah hari di kantor,, never seen anyone dengan baju panjang menjuntai, pink pula, then ngobrol dengan satpam kantor gue dengan santainya, dan abis itu ngilang entah kemana.

then gw naik lift ke lantai 11 and cant help thinking…

ternyata emang apa yang biasa aja buat elo, blom tentu biasa buat orang lain…

dan apa yang aneh abis menurut lo ternyata buat orang lain biasa aja.

ujung2nya soal persepsi,,, gw belajar utk tidak menganggap dia yg aneh, karna ternyata gw juga aneh buat dia.

susah yah tidak menge-judge orang from the first appearance itu.

tapi gw ngga mau jadi org judgmental, so pngalaman pagi ini cukup deh sebagai bahan latihan gue.

in this modern world, ditengah2 padatnya jalan jend sudirman yang dipenuhi kendaraan berpolusi, orang2 dengan sejuta impian karir mereka, dan gedung2 pencakar langit, ternyata masih ada si rapunzel berbaju pink tak dikenal tadi, yang buat gw really, really an interesting phenomenon.

or is it just me, being a psychology student (i mean an almost retiring one)? maybe im observing people’s behavior too much.

or maybe it’s just me and my freaky friday. what do you think?

sampe lupa deh skrg udah jam 7,,, dan 3 in 1 udah selesai. kay, i ll definitely take a good rest this weekend dudu.

Today I needed to catch up with huge piles of work left during my 3 days in Bandung, not to mention 1 extra day, thanks to the flu Bandung brings

Tugas-tugas gila-gilaan deh,,, blom selesai satu udh ada lagi masalah laen,, begitu kita udah pede dg apa yg dikerjain, then suddenly kerasanya yg kita kerjain ngga ada apa2nya, karena ngga dapet positive feedback,,

I’ve spent like what, 3.5, almost 4 years studying psychology and hell I can remember how all those “reinforcement” theories are stuck on my head.. dan susahnya menjadi org psikologi adalah sometimes you just wish what happens in real life is in line with what they say in theories. But in reality,, apalagi in the work place, waduh,, kayanya emang ngga boleh kita berharap dapet yg namanya positive feedback. Dan pada saat yg sama, when you least, least expect for a negative feedback to come, cos when you currently just need no more pressures, you received one!

Pantes aja yah org blg,, real world begins when you work. As in, work as an employee, work for a company. No wonder,, there’s just so much stuff to learn.

Now I see why so many people are so eager to work,, it’s not always for the money. But it’s more of self-fulfilling willingness,, to gain self actualization,, it’s actually enjoyable when you know you can rely on yourself for many matters, being more independent, feeling competent, but at the same time feeling like you don’t know no sh** about this company and how things are done around here.

Procedures, social sensitivity, politics, emotion management, how not to feel guilty, how to read the situations and not to ask dumb questions, how to ASK good questions, when not to ask at all, when to clarify your scope of jobs. When to be open to MORE work, sometimes even those not so related to your job descriptions… just to increase your scope of skills.

When to be extra gentle and patient and when to be a little rough and creative and spontaneous and structure-free,,, crisis management,, how to handle candidates, department heads, office boys, colleagues, and applicants, simultaneously… without making myself crazy. You know, prioritizing things. Never thought it could be THIS hard.

It aint easy to make yourself sound professional when you just jumped right out of uni into the office, and how NOT to see it as an excuse for doing silly mistakes… (although it’s tempting to do so).

Not easy to get close with people without worrying that the relationship with that person might affect your career in the future. Not easy to feel comfy with a certain group of people, because you’ll never know how they really, really think about you. Being Astrid intani as a person, not Astrid Intani the HR Officer,, aint easy at all.

Geez so many things have to be done in different ways… different people, different character. Not to mention how to memorise the names of people on TWO floors, without making myself look stupid, having to peek on their ID Cards when talking to them. and suddenly i went home between 8-10 pm each night, which gets people thinking "whoa youre one hell of a career woman" "so youre workaholic now huh"… while honestly, hello people? workaholic aint the word.

you know a better word? its "being responsible". hell i was paid good for this job… in this reputable company, with good surroundings, warm colleagues, who can ask for more?

i dont understand why some people just easily see me as workaholic, as if that label shouldve been stuck on my forehead since long time ago or whatever. to me this isnt workaholic.. this is more like, doing whatever im supposed to do,,, trying to comply with standards, deadlines, rules… trying to do things until theyre DONE. which is not easy. and not healthy, most of the time. but too bad not many people (want to) understand.

I’m still amazed with this whole new world. I don’t know till when. But truly, this is a giant step for me. And I just hope I’ll pass this stage successfully.

PS 1: I do love working here. Seriously… PS 2: Yeah sa,, i can be boyfriendless but you were right. my life is never completely boyless hate it when you’re right PS 3: Okay tired enough. will be leaving to the lobby now. see ya later